Sometimes any film fan lies awake, sweating in terror late at night, covered in anchovies in a sailors costume, thinking of exciting film combinations which would benefit mankind or at least make one laugh hysterically. Here are my Films I Would Like To See.
Bubbles Strip-Club Bonanza
Ever since seeing the Trailer Park Boys films, I have this idea of seeing the character Bubbles in a stripper nudity video; think of Snoop Doggs’ adventures in the land of adult entertainment, except with Bubbles, complete in character and with those crazy glasses of his surrounded by gyrating ladies! Would be insaaaaane and corny as. Of course Bubbles, you must keep YOUR clothes on: I want corny, not downright weird.
Paris, The Smart Life
I have a burning desire, burning like some freaky rash from an overseas holiday where you wake up in an alleyway covered in muck. I want to see a film-doco of Paris Hilton, mixing it up with Mensa groups, hanging out with Nasa rocket scientists, studying with brain surgeons and re-sitting a high school finals exam.
Chuck Norris Vs Bollywood
Cue Chuck, kicking with that famed cowboy hat, taking on a group of feisty dancing Bollywood actors in some dance-kick-off combo where Chuck must both kick and sing/dance his way out of the streets of Delhi. I want Bollywood-style dancing being used to avoid the kicks of The Norris, and some aerial moves while an Indian man sings a full chorus in the air before landing a kick. Also for extra laughs throw in a cameo by that host from the Amazing Race, handing chuck a yellow envelope.
Command and Conquer: The Film
Ever since I was a young sprite, running around clawing at my first Pc, I’ve been a command and conquer fan. Alot of computer games, from Resident Evil to Prince of Persia have inspired film adaptions. Why not command and conquer, I want to see roaming mutants in a tiberium infested future!
Oh, wait, thats been done..Sorry Mr Bay! How could I forget all those loud noises and things exploding oooooh pretty.
Blade retires to a nursing home, only to find out that the Old people are vampires. Using a hotted up electric wheelchair, walking frame and cane with hidden blade, he must battle the evil geriatric forces while also fighting a losing battle with his memory and incontinence.
M Night Shamalamylaaans “The Potato”
He has done ‘The Village’, He has done ‘The Happening’, now, M. Night Shama-lama-lama-ding-dong should do ‘The Potato’; an hour and a half of filming a potato with a dramatic twist at the end, where the potato is peeled to reveal a pear. THE WHOLE TIME YOU WERE STARING AT A PEAR! NOT A POTATO! Way to melt our minds dude!
Another Scary Movie
For no other reason than to see a scantily clad Carmen Electra. Look, ill save you writers some time: don’t bother with a script, don’t even hire sound guys. Just an hour and a half of her running in various outfits is fine with me. Bonus points if you include a cameo with Yvonne Strahovski. Of course then the title would need to be changed to ‘Great Movie’.
National Lampoons Afghani Vacation
Think of European Vacation, except the entire family goes to Afghanistan, gets kidnapped by the Taliban, the son is separated and joins Al Qaeda, get Morgan Spurlock for a guest spot, and even have Sylvester Stallone appear as Rambo to break them out of prison because nearby Iron Man cant, his battery pack is dead ok, so no you cant play Iron Man.
Add some politically incorrect scenes involving Neil Diamond and women in Burqas throwing their Burqas at the stage, and let controversy reign.
Any serious award winning film where Lindsey Lohan is in it. Despite her various fallbacks in life, whether real or imagined by the media, I love nothing better than an actor or actress rising from the ashes to reclaim a great career and live happily ever after. Wouldn’t it be grand to seen Lindsey win an Oscar?