Vin Diesel seems to be the only one taking himself and this franchise way too seriously in the latest instalment of GI JOE cross xXx meets We’re The Millers.
So strap in wheel heads, Vinny Diesel (Babylon AD) and his urban fashion conscious team of international intrigue and espionage are back with Fast X, the latest instalment of the aforementioned man’s tedious vanity project. To say that Fast X is preposterous from the get go is moot, as we reached that point about five and a half sequels ago.
Directed by Louis Leterrior (Clash of the Titans, Transporter), if you’re in the mood for a fun, brain dead and full of family, action spectacle, hell- even you may be disappointed in the tenth offering of this proverbial dead horse.
Ignoring many of the flaws, of which there are too many to discuss calmly, the most insulting part about sitting through two hours and twenty one minutes of this far beyond driven nonsense, is that there aren’t even any practical stunt set pieces to appreciate. The action sequences throughout this shoddy mess are ninety-nine percent animated, which accounts for how the fuel injected, physics defying carnage is a bigger let down on screen than Will Smith standing up for himself.
This film is so supremely confident in its portrayal of divide and conquer, completely abandoning character development in favour of bombastic posing at every turn. Not even the over the top, and sometimes irritating, gyrations of Jason Momoa (Aquaman, Dune) playing a psychopathic criminal hell bent on vengeance while having the time of his life can save this one. We are also mistreated to a superfluous side plot of lesser team members (compared to VD’s indomitable Dom) parading around Europe chasing their tails like the three stooges.
John Cena (The Marine) as Uncle Jakob is the only enjoyable character in this situation. Perhaps he wandered into the wrong movie. He fits right in anyway and we don’t mind that he borrowed a GI Joe concept car.
A future Razzie should be awarded to the man himself, Vin Diesel, for turning in the most uncharismatic, one dimensional take on his Dominic Toretto character that we’ve ever seen (reaching this new low is no easy feat). At least in earlier films there was effort and range. It’s obvious that now we’re just here for the lazy cash in. Dom navigates the trite, contrived events of this film with a permanent scowl, dropped lip and no sense of humour.
It is unfortunate that old mate Vinny appears to be desperately staving off the European VOD tour point of his career by holding on to this franchise. Hopefully, he wakes up to himself soon and pursues that other riskier, far more entertaining franchise, the Conan Space Opera franchise, Riddick, that propelled his action film career back in 2000.
For now, while no other premier cinematic action franchises exist apart from the Marvel label, we’ll have the Fast team churning out more wooden dramatic dross, book ended by fake animated stunts.
Fast X is in cinemas from today, it’s an easy 3/10, which is exactly how many beers you’ll need at the bar beforehand in order to enjoy the film.